It feels to me that I have reached a very pivotal point in my life. Sadly, I’ve come to the realization that some of the dreams I held onto for so long will never come to pass. Most of them are minor. Some I knew would never happen and fell into the “in my wildest dream” category. One however remains painful to think about letting go of.
Children. For most of my life I wanted children. It may be odd to hear a guy say, it to me the idea makes life sound complete. Not easy. Just complete.
My grandfather raised me with perhaps an older set of values. A successful life is one where you provide for your wife and children. You make sure that they are better off than you were at their age. I’ve tried so hard to have that, yet that part of my life is empty.
Somehow, even if it’s a bit misguided, I feel like a failure. Partly because I know I have to move the idea of kiddos from the dream to far fetched fantasy category.
Mostly because it requires two people. And I am one person. And a guy. Given that I’m middle aged (I shutter typing that), and I’m not the most attractive guy (no filters means honesty with yourself too I guess), and I’m painfully shy, the chances of me finding a woman around my age or younger who wants to fast track a family and kids approaches the 0%.
I’m also not rich enough to be a sugar daddy damn the luck.
Maybe it’s just the solitude of sitting out on the porch alone in the dark, listening to the spring frogs and bugs chirp. Life isn’t complete till there’s someone to share with.